I met a gypsy frog

Let me just preface this blog by saying I am eating some sort of soup my mom made. I can identify eggplant, roasted red pepper, green bell peppers, celery, onions and garlic, and some kind of ground meat. I don't know what its called or where it came from but I'm glad it's in my mouth. Hey! That's like how my evening went the other night! I wrote a segue with out even trying! Literary genius I am.

Okay, that's not exactly how my night went but for comedic purposes we will pretend. Or did it? Anyway, on a whim I decided to go to a drag show I heard about through a few people. I figure I should try to socialize otherwise blogging becomes a bit sad. Don't ya think? Just kidding I don't care! I have never really been to a drag show so I was a virgin. Fresh meat! Gagging! Sickening! Camp! Work! Fish! Bleeend dah-ling. Beat mugs! I just wanted to use all my drag lingo and didn't want to put the effort of figuring out how to incorporate it in. Plus I don't really know how to use it. It was a blasty blast. There were a lot of drunken gays doing what drunken gays do best - Groping. I don't know about you, but I welcome being groped. In the midst of being groped and avoiding having to pee in the shady bathroom I met some awesome people whom I've hung out with a few times since. I'll talk about them at some point. I say this after I wrote a paragraph about all of them and realized I was moving to fast and I didn't want to intro-douche you to my new friends yet. We are not at that level yet reader(s).

THIS IS A TOPIC CHANGE. NO GRACEFUL SEGUE HERE....

EXCEPT FOR THIS ONE! ^^^

I have to keep your standards for me as low as possible. I don't want you guys thinking complex writing skills are the norm. You'll be disappointed. Anyway, it rains every day in this part of Pennsylvania in some form or another. There is raining and sprinkling which you are all aware of  I'm sure (sorry Africans that was insensitive, I shouldn't just assume). I've notice there is something here less that a sprinkle, but not just mist or fog. You feel it drop on you, but its not sprinkling. So we could call it a Minkle, Sprog, Finkle or Mog. Maybe its just dew settling? I don't fucking know, all I know is it doesn't happen in Texas. In Texas it seems you are either scared shitless because trees are bending sideways and your neighbors are floating down the street or you step outside and the sun instantly bakes any moisture out of your body. Have you ever seen a hunk of ice the size of a large grapefruit bounce off a lady's shoulder? I have. I often wondered back home if Texas weather scares me so bad what is it like the be a squirrel. I can see one hugging a tree limb being flung around and dodging giant balls of ice that are traveling a good 50 miles per hour all while other small rodents and birds are falling to their horrific deaths beside them. That was a run on sentence but if you read it in one breath it because a game! That being said, I did experience my first taste of real humidity a few days ago. That shit is gross! It was only like 88 degrees outside but the humidity knocked you in the ass. Knocked you in the inevitably swampy-ass ass. I feel like swampy-ass is pretty to the point but in case you didn't know it's when every bit of sweat on your body flows to the lowest elevation. This just so happens to be your ass crack. Still though, I will take a day here and there of humidly versus 4 straight months of 105+ temps.

Well this has been another enthrauling episode of Preston's fucked up thought process.

As always,

Catch ya on the flipside!

Oh! PS. Happy September 11th? I mean... In memory... Uhh. This is awkward.

x

I am the queen of Tejano Music!

 So, I've been sitting here lip-syncing to Eminem for a good 20 minutes in my room. Weirdo you say? How about it's my process asshole! 

 

Do people laugh at James Earl Jones doing those strange vocal exercises? Nope! Hes gotta keep that voice deep and gravely or he is nothing but a large black man with freckles! or is that Morgan Freeman? I don't know. No but really it is my process. For some reason Eminem songs make me want to be productive. If I am on a treadmill and Eminem comes on, I just start sprinting. If I am cooking, I begin to chop frantically to the beat. If I am in the shower, I aggressively shampoo my bits'n'pieces. These moments are usually accompanied by a generic stank face and various forms of fist pumping or chest bumping the air. The other end of this would be when that bitch Sarah Mclachlan comes on, you are instantly demotivated and begin to weep into a dying flower, or is that just me? I guess her songs motivate you to think about if you have appropriate funeral garb or whether or not you could handle saving a dog with one eye and half a leg from a trash compactor. I couldn't do it. If you don't see it, it didn't happen.  Ever wonder why Mexicans clean so well? It's all in the music. I was washing dishes one day and some sweet sweet cumbias from our beloved Selena came on. I found myself wide-eyed, bobbing my head back and forth scrubbing the door. As I did the Salsa. So, if you want you're house to sparkle, SELENA! 

MEXICAN UPDATE - I had a margarita at a Mexican dive. There were at least 6 Mexicans present. I think they live under the restaurant. 

 Really the point is, music can totally change your mood and intentions for that 4 and a half minutes. Powerful shit. Can we change someones mood for that amount of time? I mean I guess if you stand in their way and clumsily flail about blocking their path you could. You could scream FUCKPOOP in their ear, that might change their mood. Maybe music isn't so fucking special now that I think about it. Nope, yea it is. Songs can instantly transport you back to a very specific time. Any song from that bubblegum pop era will make me burst into a shouldery dance. Shouldery is a word if you were wondering. Go to school, look it up. Any Regina Spektor song takes me back to those days when me and a few others basically founded YouTube. Do you know who Brookers is? Ya I didn't think so, but I do! Okay mostly we just all spent our days in a chat room talking about how we were 16 and liked playing with cameras, but it was before any of you all knew about YouTube, so suck on it.

Really though the long end of the short end or the thing of it is - There is a soundtrack to each of our lives. I wonder what songs will remind me of this time in my life? Which songs will take me back to this moment, and give me that nostalgic feeling. I guess time will tell.

As always - Catch ya on the flip side Gordo!

No mas

                        THERE ARE NO MEXICANS IN THE STATE OF PENNSYLVANIA.

None. Like, what? None. Okay, well maybe a few but in comparison to Abilene Texas it's pretty much none. I imagine my reaction to the few Mexicans I've seen is similar to the reaction Asian people would have if they were to see a red-head hobbling down a busy street in Tokyo. Oh yea, Gingers hobble, you didn't know? Oh, I guess I should intro-douche myself or at least give you and idea of what kind of bullshit you are about to read. Right! Well my name is Preston and for all intensive purposes I am white. So that was racism back there, just so we are clear. I recently relocated from my home state of Texas all the way to Altoona, Pennsylvania. Hence the title of this blog. I so clever.  Basically I'll break it down real good for ya right here - I finger the best therapy for a transitional stage in life is to write about it. I'm sure actual therapy would help, but who does that? Weird people (white people).

I have always wanted to do a blog thingy anyway so if this is what motivates me who are you to judge me! To all of you who have something nasty to say about me, or other women that are built like me, I have one thing to say to you, KISS MY FAT ASS!! Oh sorry, that was Tyra. So you know, that will happen a lot. My mind goes a mile a minute so often I will quote something that has nothing to do with the topic, or may not even be real words. I can't promise that I wont at some point post a blog consisting only of letter/number combos I think look pretty together. For example,  8&8&8&8& or qpdb. Thems are pretty. Mostly this is a way for me to not feel crazy. I write "blogs" for my "audience" when in reality I am basically talking to myself and giggling at the little things I find funny. Which is what crazy people do! Well that and get in fist fights with Payphones. Speaking of, just in general... What happened to payphones? I remember the days when they were outside of every store, and on every corner. Where do drunk people pee now? Where do druggies call their dealers? Cell phones are erasing my childhood! 

You'll notice some things are in pink text, these are facts. Just accept them as facts and your life will be greatly enriched. I finger some of you are skimmers out there so this gives you lazy ass farts a way to read my blog without actually reading it. In all honesty, it perturbs me that all books don't come with a skimming feature. Every single piece of literature no matter the subject should be published skimmer friendly. I like my books like I like my coffee; Awesome with Skim. That was a terrible joke, but I committed to it. So much so in fact that I will start ordering my coffee like that. Shows you! HA! Maybe someone else out there has thought of this already but what fun is paving the way? Who likes being the first at something? Not me. I want to know many people came before me and failed hard, got covered in shit and died in the process before I do ANYTHING. It really is the best way to live life. Also, did ja git it? I so clever.

Anyway, to sum this all up. I am going to post some really random shit on this and some deep shit. Now THAT shit is deep.

I heard this on Lizzie Mcguire when I was a kid and always wanted to use it -
Catch ya on the flip side!